Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
