I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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