I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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