So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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