i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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