The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
