JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
