I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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