I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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