i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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