Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
