Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
