god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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