Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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