Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
