Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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