If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
