Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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