Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
