Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
