Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i love accidental penises.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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