Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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