it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
