I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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