So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
