either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
