where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
