I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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