I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
