my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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