That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
