wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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