my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she woke up with a sticky ear
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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