are you still at the devil's house?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
