he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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