I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
