I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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