Screwed.edu
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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