The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
