I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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