My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
