I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
