overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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