This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
