I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just want to make out with him forever
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
