I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
