I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
