Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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