the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
