girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
