I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im six kinds of drunk right now
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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