question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
